IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact BT. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working.
He also requested that we report future failures by email. (Does YOUR email
work without a telephone line?).
 
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the person
noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She
informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
 
IDIOT IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the
local council office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our
road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.
 

Idiot in Food:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a hamburger. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had the "iceberg" variety.
 
IDIOT SIGHTING No.1
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
 
IDIOT SIGHTING No. 2
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with a friend of mine when she asked if I knew what the
buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is
red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing

driving?"

 
IDIOT SIGHTING No. 3
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the
company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
 
IDIOT SIGHTING No. 4
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked inside it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already done that side."

Genisis, .. In the Beginning

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
 
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
 
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are,"
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
 
"YAHOO", said Abraham.
 
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Tony Blair after all.

This good looking man walks into an agents office and says,
"I want to be a movie-star."
( Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had all the right credentials. )
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis Van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name."
I will NOT change my name!! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years..... You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian!! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it!! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said....
And the left the agent's office.
 
 
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.
The agent is awestruck.... Who would possibly send him $50,000??
He reads the letter enclosed......
 
Dear Sir,
 
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood.
You told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.
I had to change my name.
I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed
check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
 
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke
 

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a little bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air ballon hovering approximately thirty feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
 
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
 
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
 
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help at all.
If anything, you've delayed my trip."
 
The woman below responded, "You must be in management," to which he replied, "I am, but how did you know?"
 
"Well," the woman responded, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!

Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office.
"David", he says, "I need to talk to you about your performance against
Leeds the other day, you were blo*dy hopeless, completely off form."
"Sorry boss", says David. "I've not been myself lately. I've got a few
problems at home."
"Oh dear, "Whats up? Posh & the kids Ok?" says Fergie
"Oh, they're fine, it's just that something is really bugging me and I'm
losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's
really messing my head up" .
"Whatever's the matter?" says Fergie
"Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the
other day and........."
"A JIGSAW??" shouts Sir Alex. "You're playing Sh*t because of a jigsaw?"
"Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!"
says David, "It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks
really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I
just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and........"
 
"David, David, David" says Fergie, "You better get a grip son and
quick."
"Ok boss, but.....It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy
on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I can't do
it and it's doing my head in and.......and....it's a Tiger.. and really
looks easy but it's really hard and erm, well, it's a Tiger and
everything, erm...on the box like...erm.....oh, erm ..sorry boss."
"Ok, Ok" says Sir Alex, "bring in the blo*dy jigsaw and let's have a
look shall we? It can't be that difficult"
"Thanks boss." says David.
 
Next day Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergies office.
"Here it is boss" he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box, look
boss, it's a Tiger right,... and it's a really good picture and everything
but I just can't do it and it's really hard and its doing my head in and
everything.."
Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergies desk.
Sir Alex looks at what's on the desk, looks up with his head in his
hands and says to Beckham...........
 
"Put the f***ing Frosties back in the box David............."

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