Lesson 5  I think that I have lost the plot a bit here, (No, No, it is O. K., all is not lost, – get a grip on yourself Williams !!).

The last time I had the opportunity to listen to words such as these was in the long hot summer of 1960, ( was it hot?, were you there? Am I lying, is there pictorial evidence to back such a statement? or do I just take advantage of poetic license ? ) Pictures please on stamped addressed tissue paper so I can soak up the Sun & return the dull photograph.

It was a warm one, at least in the metalwork shop in Stuart Place , picture the scene – we boys huddled around prodding pieces of metal with Teeth on, little shiny sharp teeth, teeth which are gradually changing colour by the second, first they go a pale yellow , reminiscent of the kind of dental decay only to be found amongst small boys mouths prior to the discovering Girls.!, then a smoky brown, like some nicotine infested mouth full of dog ends.

Finally, there is the glorious dull red glow of optimum heat, you do an impression of an Egg & Spoon race contender along with your Teeth , which by now look like they belong to a one legged Godzilla.

(I can`t believe it!, Word spell checker knows about Godzilla !!! …, no red lines or nothing under this one – only in America !!)

Picture this – aforementioned teeth are now being immersed and quenched in oil and allowed to cool, we have two rows of teeth produced for this lesson, both with holes in, -- (no, not cavities !) - real genuine pairs of holes carefully inserted one at a time by real genuine pupils. The cool holes are quickly filled again with suitable over long lengths of steel, and are enthusiastically hit with great force with even greater hammers until their ends are made to resemble a bead of sweat on a Witches tit! (sorry ladies),

Two pieces of metal now rear their ugly heads and lay claim to the other parts – one is called "Mr. Slim" (very square and long with holes in) – the other part, "Mr. Youey", is suffering with advanced Osteoporosis and is bent over double. He proceeds to wrap himself around Mr. Slim in a death throes embrace. Two final mating parts, Miss Nut & Mr. Bolt perform an indecent act in public and then – " KER POW !! " - screams of delight erupt at intervals all round the workshop.

We have made the ultimate torture tool for rounding of Bicycle wheel nuts.

Our very own pair of Mole Grips !

Lesson 6 – Was there a lesson 6 ? – I need to know, where has it gone… , who has it, …..why can`t I find it anymore…., do you have the missing link?

Please check your lofts and outhouses for clues.

Craig Douglas was the Lad who recorded this song in 1961, just a very short while before the time of my story… he obviously had no intention of writing it for our benefit….But I`ll use the title… just the same.

Up the stairs beyond the " Green Door " lay experiences and excitement unbeknown to us lads….heat, and plenty of it, …water in abundance as well … the new paper we met was very unusual stuff to say the least… sort of thick and flaky… great grey panels of it were provided for our use in those heady days long since forgotten…or are they?

Much of what was located inside this little green doored room…situated above the Gym toilets and changing rooms as it was… was alien to us… we`d seen it …from outside of course…gazed into the wire reinforced window as well on our trips from the first floor cloakrooms…..but as we eventually found out to our subsequent delight…located in here was a man of many talents…..a man with one hell of a lot of hair as well, …..for a Teacher !….

There were plenty of opportunities to learn here.. but even more to make mischief !…."ok you shower of unwashed, choose an apron "….no…not a woodwork apron shiny white and clingy warm…but a Brown, and a sort of rubbery one that smelt like armpits…but it kept the muck away from our nice clean-ish clothes…didn`t it?.…eh?…." Now form a circle around me, and I will show you boys how to throw a pot !"….

Stand in a circle to show us how to throw a pot? ..he`s having a laugh surely, everybody who`s above the age of five knows how to chuck plant pots, .don`t they?…..we peered over each others shoulders and found ourselves being introduced to an oversized record player ( without a pickup ) it also only had five tracks on it…so we knew it wouldn`t play for too long…so we humoured him and waited…the turntable was enclosed on all sides by metal walls about eight inches high….with a "splunk" and a flick of the wrist…a dollop… nay a lump…of brown sticky substance was aimed at the bulls eye on the turntable, and the wheel was spun up at 33 rpm by Mr. Coard….with the ease of a chicken on a spit the clay rotated and assumed the shape of a mug without a handle….cool or what?

This was the best bit…we had to repeat the exercise ourselves, several at a time, how much water was consumed on that day…and subsequent clay days to follow… nobody really knows, but had we been on a metered supply, I am sure the school would have been bankrupted by 3P….and it was exceedingly fortunate that we were all located above river level…..we were supposed to lubricate the clay, not drown it !....my pot became a shiny brown triangularish ashtray about a half inch tall, with three little dents for holding ciggies on,...( stayed in use until the mid eighties, until smashed accidentally )….I also made a shallow spotty dish, …..but we won`t talk about that !

Kilns are us….little white thing on legs mounted about waist height…round the corner on the left side of the class room… near the window overlooking the railway line…it had a new fangled " Pyrometer " dial on the side of it to indicate the interior cooking temperature…and a tiny little window to see if there was " fire in the hold " or not….three legged little feet made of ceramic material were in abundance inside this " glory hole "….this was our next port of call…..crisp and hot was how the cooked clay arrived…and provided you hadn`t mixed too much H²O with it, it was a relatively "crack free zone", and very, very tough stuff…unlike that which is to be found in some schools classrooms today.

Long before alcohol was available in quantity, we became " Glazed " at the sight of our handy work, which was now dipped into liquids of various chemical composition…and strange colours…to give it a non-porous coat, and to make it look pretty as well….you had to mix it up just right or it would run all over the work…especially when it came to brushing it on with any detail…and didn`t the glaze used to be very slimy?…super stuff for flicking around….much more subtle….better than the clay…far too noisy that was for throwing !

The use of another combustible substance was allowed in this room too, the only room apart from Chemistry that was…..charcoal sticks, handed out like confetti at a wedding , made to perform in skilled hands, could capture all the subtleties of shade, texture and shadow, useful to know all about it…and how to use it ...I suppose, on bonfire night after the spuds were done perhaps… ….not exactly " Photo shop " was it ?……

Art for Arts Sake..…..Did you?

Funny stuff – Sodium - one of the more active & volatile elements on our world, (Phosphorus is another one does not like the combination of Chemicals in our Atmosphere , goes a bit crazy when H²O is about) – Silvery, soft, malleable is Sodium, so unlike yellow Phosphorus – expose it to moisture and see what happens !

A group of innocents, eager to learn, are staring into a circular dish of H²O - this inert substance is brought to the boil by this very small piece of grey matter, removed from a test tube very carefully with tweezers by the Master, - ( long before the Health & Safety Acts were introduced of course. - He has no protective eye covering ). If he had been wearing goggles, then so would we, and this fact would have detracted from the experience – " Fizzzzzzzzz " – this little innocuous bit of metal is now apparently trying to escape the forces of Gravity and is attempting to climb up the glass walls of its Prison.. It does not succeed of course and is inexorably and relentlessly being converted into gas and sediments by the H²O.

Eventually, H²O = 1 , Sodium = 0 ……… Show`s over Folks !!!…………Not for one particular budding rocket scientist though !, eager for an action replay poses the question ,….Excuse me Sir, what happens if you use a bigger piece?……..Teacher now having captivated his audience, and has totally loosing the plot accedes to the pupils wishes and enthralled by the enthusiasm being generated in the heat of the moment, proceeds to slice of a much larger piece of Sodium from the blob in the test Tube, - foolishly (in retrospect – Where are you Dougie`s Wife?) - he slowly lowers the Sodium towards the waiting H²O, like the predator it is, just waiting for the impending opportunity.

A virulent and evil hissing erupts, and said lump of Sodium has now been shaken shitless by the H²O, eager to relieve itself of the pain, it tries to achieve the speed of light to go back in time, to when it was a safe entity, attached to the whole, cradled with affection by the School Teacher that it acme to love , and trust so well.

Alas like some of the Human attempts at leaving this Planet, its breaks out of its environment with a resounding "Crack", it has, in its brief maiden flight, the focus of the whole assembly - it falls to the surface of the Classroom floor in its death throws - leaving behind only a devastated oversized Petrie Dish as a Memorial of its passing.

Here endeth the first lesson on the long path to achieving your ultimate goal.

A Pass Mark in Chemistry !

The grass was very verdant, but very small in size, clumps of it were interspersed with the dead leaves…..above, on the top bank of the wood was a noise…..a bustling sort of noise….the noise had arrived in a green Bath Tramways vehicle, one designed for all weather use, one that was not new, but never the less, it had a quality of presence not found today…..

As the grass listened to the noise approaching, it was the tree that gave out the first cry of pain, " It`s Bath Tech School again…More bark soon gone, and where on earth do they put all my old leaves?…..I`m starving !…It shrunk back, into the comfort of the wood with its parents, brothers and sisters, and held its breath….

The larger of the animals that approached the wood, wore cloth of a different kind from the rest, it stood more erect, and had pieces of squashed dead tree held in its hands, pieces bleached by the sun, and regular in shape and thickness….Busily, it handed out these pieces to the smaller animals, who, by now, were busily investigating their new found multicoloured environment …

A group had fallen to the bottom of the slope on all fours, peering with intent at some small foliage…others on the bank above were studying the lines on the side of the old tree , .who fearing for his life, was motionless and silent for once…. The wind rose, and the tree tried with all his might to resist, but he just had to bend…he looked down and saw that none of the animals had noticed his noises, and relaxed once more.

The pieces of crushed tree were being stroked by the animals, with strange sticks, full of a substance alien to the woodland …shades of new colours were appearing, like in the mirror, held in the hand of the river nearby…..a bird was captured for an instant in time, and then it flew away to seek food…..Relentlessly, searching…for ever searching.

The grass opened its eyes and looked up at the tree, now confident once more, and pleased to be master of the wood again…a few crocuses cried at the loss of their friends, a bluebell with a broken back stood waiting to die, a piece of the bark of the old tree was shrinking quietly in the sun…..the noise ?, it had gone, with the animals … the woodland was safe again…for a short while at least.

A few pieces of crushed tree were now assembled in a line, on a long platform of dead wood….beneath a dark wall of woven cotton….brick dust had settled on the wooden shelf below the curtain of material…white and powdery…there was a fragment of a white stone branch on the shelf, and the large animal approached it, reached forward, grasped it in its hand, and started to stroke the black curtain with it…

Strange visions came and went on the curtain, like a flickering slide show of time….each more wonderous than the previous, like an evolutionary process was taking place right before the small animals, now seated, gathered around the cloth…The process was suddenly interrupted by a sharp metallic sound, shook upright the small animals looked to the larger one for leadership….the large animal opened its jaw wide and exposed its teeth, ….shiny sharp teeth…

It uttered sounds "Right then, for all you that have not drawn in the Grass on our Biology lesson at Carrs Wood today….your drawing will not be used to represent the Flora & Fauna found there….. , I`ve selected the sheets that will go on display, so pack up for today, and we`ll study the samples next week, Well done those of you who captured the plant details correctly"….

"Thank you Mr. King " – Biology 1962 – Bath – Carrs Wood – 3P

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